topics of interest

Narcissist personality patterns…cont’d

Play dirty and underhanded tricks  The narcissist finds it humorous to see the trouble and distress of others, especially if the narcissist is the one who creates the trouble.  An incident that I experienced with a young narcissist was the flattening of one of my car back tires before we left on a trip.  Lucky for me a motorist on the highway honked just as we got onto the highway and we were able to turn around and go back.  The garage who fixed my tire said that there was no puncture wound, the tire’s air had been let out somehow.  Later on I remembered that the narcissist had been squatted down by my back tire before we left.  This same narcissist once offered to give me something that I needed for my garage door.  He had to cut it to fit.  He intentionally cut the door threshold a 1/2 inch too big hoping to cause me distress.  Lucky for me it fit perfectly.  Later when I thanked him for it he looked at it and accidentally said to me, “that was supposed to be a 1/2 inch too big”. When I repeated what he said in a questioning way he said, “did I say that out loud?” “holy Crap!”, then he added,  “I don’t know why I said that”.

Shaming   It is very difficult to deal with problems with the narcissist because they will not admit to anything.  They will say, “I don’t remember that”, or try to convince you that you are mistaken or misguided in your thinking somehow.  The narcissist will say, “you’re accusing me of something I didn’t do”.  This denial effectively shuts down any avenue to resolve issues with them.   A favorite tactic of the narcissist is shaming the victim.  The victim is denied validation and truth.  During the relationship the narcissist gathers information about the weaknesses of the victim or other types of vulnerable information  and will make a plan to attack these weaknesses if the victim gets out of hand.  One that a narcissist spouse used against me toward the end of our marriage was “your crazy just like your dad”.

What I am noticing as I work with children in my workplace is the very young narcissist child.  Some narcissist patterns that I am seeing is dominant attention getting behavior, the repeated testing of individuals,  the pushing of boundaries, and the request for feedback.  One example is the young narcissist repeatedly asking another child “do you like me?”.  If the other child finally says ‘no’ the young narcissist will change their behavior a little and ask again “do you like me now?”.  In this way the narcissist child is learning about what it takes to manipulate the thinking of others.  The narcissist child will dominate interactions with adults to the exclusion of other children.  They will talk constantly, repeatedly ask questions of the adult, or do something that the narcissist child has learned will force the adult to turn their attention onto them.  I am noticing that this child is very capable and has a high intelligence for their age.  When I initially began to identify this child as a narcissist personality  I was surprised to find the disorder in someone so young.  My thinking now is that some people are born with this personality disorder.

The information that  I am reading online states that the narcissist personality disordered individual does not have guilt, conscience, or normal emotional feelings.  Often times they deal with internal anger over some perceived offence.  The narcissist can interact and show little emotion.  They can be seething inside and display little or no telltale signs.  Our current culture in the West admires this trait and likes to label it ’emotional intelligence’.  This allows the narcissist to climb the ladder to positions of authority and power in society.  We admire people who can handle themselves ‘properly’.

Looking at the church I don’t think that the proportion of narcissism disordered individuals in the congregation is much different than in secular society.  These individuals will likely gravitate to positions of power or influence in the church.  They are not easily spotted or identified by someone who has not had their eyes opened to this disorder.  Churches need to be aware that this personality disorder exists especially if they engage in the counselling of individuals, families, and marriages.





Narcissism Personality Patterns cont’d

Sabotage  The narcissist has an innate desire to do harm, especially harm to those who love them.  Sabotage is one way they do this.  They will make comments to other people and family members to try and destroy their victims’ relationships.  They will play the victim giving out false and untrue information about their spouse or target, etc.  The narcissist will attempt to undermine the victim’s credibility and the victim’s mental sanity in the eyes of others.  They will make subtle comments to others such as, “she thinks there are people in cars who park on our road for long periods of time during the day”.  This was a comment by a severe narcissist about his wife made at my workplace.  It turns out she was right… but the husband did not correct his statement or validate her in any way.  He kept silent, until I pointed out to him and some others in the staff room that the police had shot a man on his road that had parked there for hours after stealing vehicles in the surrounding rural neighborhoods.  Even after I said this he did not defend her.  His aim was to hopefully make her appear mentally unstable to his workplace peers.

Isolation  One reason that the narcissist undermines their victim in the minds of others is to isolate them from family or friend support. By working to destroy interpersonal relationships the narcissist effectively isolates the victim.  It is much easier to alter someone’s reality when the victim has no one to talk to, confide in, or lean on for support.  The victim ends up having to look to the very narcissist (who is the perpetrator) for support or help.   This sets the stage for the narcissist to create crazy-making scenarios to drive the victim emotionally, intellectually, and sometimes physically into a chaotic, stressed, anxious, troubled, confused, and debilitating condition.   The victim often has no idea what is going on.  They just know that they are losing ground in their ability to function.   Some victims can barely get out of bed in the morning.

Deprivation  The narcissist intentionally deprives the victim of what they need to be healthy and functional.  They will remove emotional support from their victim and their children.  This creates a feeling of being very much alone in the situation for the victim.  The narcissist will do things to try and increase the stress level of the victim.  They will disrupt the victim’s sleep at night.  They will go to work and leave the victim sick and throwing up with two very young children to care for over the day.  They will ‘forget’ to do things that are very important to the victim.  They will refuse to do other things they are asked to do by the victim because they know that it will provide some emotional support.  The narcissist will claim that they have worked all day and that they are very tired.  The narcissist will say, “I just need to have some time to myself.  I don’t want to be looking after the kids, that’s your job. You’re the one who’s home all day, your lucky, you don’t have to work “.  The narcissist will reduce finances available in the bank and place the victim on a tight household budget.  They will complain when the victim buys some new shoes, or clothes, even though the victim rarely buys these.  The narcissist will say, “I’m out working all day to provide for our family and you’re out spending it”.

Poisoning and physical abuse  This may happen after the victim begins to see that something is amiss with the narcissist.  The victim may accidently stumble on something that opens their eyes as to what might be happening to them. The narcissist will then increase their abuse toward the victim.  The narcissist will do this hoping to get the victim back under their control.  Sometimes the narcissist will increase their abuse in order to punish the victim for finding out something about them, or to punish the victim for confronting them about an incident that happened with the narcissist, etc.   This can include the hurting of family pets in order to hurt the victim.  Something the narcissist might do is feed their victim small amounts of poison in order to compromise the victim’s physical ability to function.  The narcissist will say, “I brought you a cup of coffee, aren’t you going to drink it?”.  When the victim drinks most of the coffee, the narcissist says, “you don’t have to drink all of it, that should be enough”.

Some other kinds of physical abuse might include ‘accidentally’ hitting the victim in the face with an object, spraying water into the face of the victim with the garden hose, and placing the victim in risky physical situations.  One incident that come to my mind is the narcissist asking me to sleep alone in a tent with a dog up on the mountainside while he slept in another tent with his Uncle.   During the night a bear came sniffing right up to the side of the tent and it was very lucky for me that the dog didn’t wake up and start to bark.  Another incident that comes to my mind is the narcissist trying to bounce me off the back of his motorcycle when we were out riding one day.  He knew about the big bump after the railroad tracks because he had told me about it earlier that week.  The narcissist’s response after the incident?  “I didn’t know that bump was there or I would have slowed down”.

There is more…. to be continued in another post.



Narcissism Personality and Patterns

What does the narcissist person do to their victims?  Many times the victims are within the supposed close relationships that the narcissist has in their life.  I say ‘supposed’ because narcissists develop a largely superficial relationship even with their own spouses.  This is all that they want from people otherwise they may be discovered for who they really are.    Narcissism occurs on a continuum from a milder condition to a more severe personality disorder according to online information.  The pattern of the narcissist is repetitive and predictable.  My own experience of some of their patterns are as follows.

Deception.  This is very, very, common.  The victim thinks that things are one way when they are actually quite different.  For example, they think they know their partner well, but they don’t.  The narcissist likes good people.  People with good personality traits.   Over time the narcissist applies the good traits of their victim to themselves and works to convince their victim that they are the bad one or the wrong one.   With a covert narcissist this is done subtly by innuendo, sly comments,  pointing out any errors that they can directly accuse you of, undermining your belief about your inner self, etc.  While they are doing this they will begin to tell you in subtle ways how good a person that they are by using your good traits that they imitate back to you as an example of proofs concerning their own innate goodness.  In this way they can actually switch the  reality of how the victim see themselves.  This is why many other people around the narcissist can testify as to how good a person the narcissist personality is.  It is a false image of himself or herself that the narcissist develops in the minds of others.

Outright liesThe narcissist feeds their victims lies.  They’ll tell you stories about certain people they work with that are not true.  This is done to gain sympathy from their victim.   They’ll tell you that they invested some money with a particular company and you later find out that the investment company has no record of any money invested with them at any time.  The victim ends up living in lies.   The narcissist becomes the only one who knows the actual truth in the life they live daily with their spouse or other victim that they have targeted.  The narcissist uses lies to manipulate you into making a certain decision that they want you to make.  They do this by giving you false information that you then use to base your decision on.  The narcissist is so skillful at this that the victim has absolutely no idea what is actually going on.  In this way the narcissist undermines their very own family.   The saying, ‘narcissists eat their own’ is a true statement.  The narcissist tears down their own house over the years.  The victim often ends up with debilitating depression and anxiety that is perpetrated by the narcissist.  The victim doubts themselves because this is what the narcissist sets up and works toward.  They want their victim incapacitated, weak, doubtful, and emotionally depressed.

There is more… to be continued in a later post.






People Today in the West

I’ve been reading online about a phenomenon of increasing full blown narcissism being developed in people living in the West and of the increasing numbers of people displaying narcissism traits in the West.  To me this is greatly alarming because the prognosis of someone with this personality disorder for being helped is very low to nil.

We are told through church teaching today that no one is beyond redemption in Christ.  This statement has biblical truth, however, we see in scripture examples of peoples not being redeemed.  This is demonstrated by the destruction of the Canaanites in the promised land.  No one was saved.  Even the children and the domestic animals were to be destroyed.  Why, we ask here in the West.  We don’t understand it.

I think we don’t understand this because we don’t understand the spiritual consequences of certain lifestyles and practices.  We have very little, if any, understanding of spiritual possession.  We really don’t even acknowledge this is in the western Church.

Narcissism devalues and uses other people to feed itself.  Friends and partners need to be debased and hurt in order for the narcissist to feel in control and on top.  There is extreme entitlement thinking.  Rules are for someone else and not the narcissist.  It is an insidious disorder of the personality that requires the destruction of others in order for the narcissist to feel safe.   The effects of a larger population of these kinds of people will be devastating.  They have no remorse, natural feelings, or guilt.  The potential for unbelievable evil is high within a population engulfed with narcissism.

We need to obey what the Bible says about how to live and about how to fight and overcome sin in our lives.  We need to understand that narcissists are not only born with susceptibility to this disorder, but that people can be made narcissistic by other narcissists.



Believers in China

I have been reading information here and there about the circumstances believers in China have been facing in recent days.  My understanding is that there is concern on the part of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) that religion will interfere with the globalist goals and the vision of the current Chinese government.   The result apparently is that churches are being shut down and key people are being arrested.

In the book of Psalms we get a picture of despondency and of the end of the rope experiences of King David and others.  At one point the sons of Korah write in Ps. 42 that “all your waves and breakers have swept over me”.   The Bible states that if we have died with him we will also be raised up just as he was raised up.  I think this is what persecution and difficult life circumstances can do for us.  They bring us to death (either literally or physically) so that we can be raised up to life in Christ.

Psalm 42. “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God”.  If we overcome, if we endure, we will be triumphant.  Where does the power of this victory come from?  The Holy Spirit.  He gives the strength and the enablement to believers in all circumstances and throughout all ages.

Let the washing of the water of the Word strengthen, cleanse, and renew us.  I’ve heard the testimony of believers going through the pain of difficult circumstances say, “I was so devastated and lost all I could do was read the Bible.  It kept me going day by day”.

The Bible says “call upon the Lord in the time of trouble, and He will hear you”.

Praise the Lord, O my soul.



Attending a Church

During the past three months I have been attended a church service on Sundays in my area.  The situation of this church is that their long time senior pastor retired and they hired a new senior pastor at the end of August,  2018.  The paid staff at the present time consists of two pastors.  The second staff is the youth pastor and leads the children’s ministry.   The senior pastor they hired is young with a young wife.

The senior pastor is a self-confessed go getter.  He wants results and he wants them quickly if at all possible.  He subtly warned the congregation one Sunday not to cause him to fail.  One of his greatest fears is that he will not meet the expectations of family, friends, and the church.  One Sunday morning a church member gave a healing testimony about her son.  Shortly after this the senior pastor gave a testimony of an experience that he had while at seminary in California.  He said that gold dust proceeded to burst forth from right around him and spread throughout the building.  He said that he was covered in gold dust because he was the ‘best worshipper’ in the service.  He tends to use humor and tries to make people laugh, but I thought later that his statement was not that funny. There have been a few times where I have questioned what he has said.  This pastor has also given the congregation some insights into his early years.  He was and is very competitive.  He and his brother competed constantly with each other while growing up in trying to outdo the other. He is the son of an immigrant pastor who has worked hard and long in ministry.

Recently, the senior pastor began a series on giving and tithing.  He made the statement that if a person cannot ‘get behind the vision of this church then they should consider giving somewhere else’.  The vision that I have been able to determine so far from attending Sunday services is to build up a savings account where money can be withdrawn to support various needs and causes in the community as he sees fit and as opportunities come along.

This church has been struggling for a while.  It’s gone through several stages, several ups and downs and right now they appear to be in a depleted condition.  I attended this church for a few months in 2009 and they were doing better then.   Attendance at this church is down.

My thinking is that the pastor needs to nurture and support the people attending the church at this time.  To forgo some of his goals of impacting the community and minister to the people he is leading.   My guess however, is that the elders of the church want him to promote church growth and greater giving.   This is sad because this requires energy and vision that just doesn’t seem to be available to the people at this time.  Sometimes we just need to sit at the feet of Jesus and be held so to speak until we are strengthened and renewed.  There is nothing wrong with that from my point of view.




Some say online that we are in a culture war.  In my mind this war may be more about right and wrong.  Scripture says in Psalm 2 “The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together, against the LORD and against His Anointed One: 3“Let us break Their chains and cast away Their cords.” It seems that many rulers in the West wish to reject Christianity’s God and replace Him with anything else that is possible.  We are increasingly in a fight to maintain our freedom of religion in the West as Christians.  Here in the province of Alberta, Canada,  the provincial government is trying to enforce Christian schools and other religious private schools to embrace and accommodate homosexuality.  They are doing this through the School Act and the recent changes  made to Human Rights laws in Canada by the Federal government under Prime Minister Trudeau.

There is a saying, “absolute power corrupts absolutely”.  This is the core of human nature.  Give us as individuals complete authority and power over others and we will abuse it.  The more power governments have it seems, the more abuses take place.

What are our religious leaders here in the West saying and doing about this issue?  From what I am reading online our Christian leaders are saying that we should generally accommodate the culture.  Efforts are being made by Christian leaders to try and do this. The Catholic religion’s Pope is certainly saying this very openly to the media even to the point of calling those who expose homosexual abuse within the Catholic church, ‘the Devil’s helpers’.

Thessalonians chapter 3 beginning at verse 3 says,  “so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. You know quite well that we were destined for them.  In fact, when we were with you, we kept telling you that we would be persecuted. And it turned out that way, as you well know… I was afraid that in some way the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless.”

If adultery and fornication is unlawful and a sin against one’s own body in the Bible scriptures (which it is) , it also stands to reason that the act of homosexuality is also unlawful.

This isn’t the singling out of homosexuality by Christians. Where church leadership has failed believers is in the acceptance of fornication and adultery as the norm.  It is expected in society our leaders say, therefore, we can expect it in the church.  We have not addressed these issues properly in the church as the Apostle Paul would have done in his letters to the churches if he were still with us.   He didn’t accommodate the young man who was sleeping with his own father’s wife.  Paul would have provided good teaching and reasoning for the needed self denial.  He would have given the church a vision much superior to that of carnal sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.  In the case of this young man, he told the church to apply discipline, including banning him from fellowship, until the young man repented and changed his behavior.